Am I Alone?

I've been obsessed with the internet lately, much more so than usual.

The topic of this obsession basically boils down to "the last three months before the arrival of a baby, and how this impacts parents." I've read stories about people having their fourth or fifth child. I've read stories about people having their first child. I've read stories written by mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts and uncles. By at-home parents. By parents at-home who also work full-time from an office in the house. By parents who both work outside of the home.

In that regard, there is a niche that I fit into: at-home father, not working, focusing solely on the upbringing of children. Of course, I don't have a child at home full-time right now (my 11 year old comes home every other weekend), which means that I have significantly more time on my hands. And I've used that time partially as mentioned above.

What makes me feel alone, however, is the complete and utter lack of marrow-deep, gut-wrenching, palpitation-inducing fear that most parents feel around the arrival of their newest family member. Sure, every so often I get hit with a wave of, "Holy crap, this is for real." But it never lasts for long, and I wouldn't put it in the same category as, "Holy !@*#, this is for real!!"

I haven't been able to find the experiences of an about-to-become-a-parent that seems to fit what I'm going through.

I am just incredibly excited. If I didn't know that our bundle of joy wasn't done cooking, I'd be begging the doctors to induce now. I just cannot, cannot wait to meet her. The potential that is gestating nearly blows my mind... she could be a doctor. She could be a president. She could be the first woman to walk on Mars, or explore the depths of the Mariana Trench.

Aside from what she could do with her life, I am extremely eager to just meet her. I want to explore and understand every facet of her personality. I want to learn alongside of her about what she likes and dislikes. I want to discover the methods that work best to calm her down when she's upset. I want to watch her explore this beautiful world, and see through her eyes the newness and magic that is life on this planet. I want to read to her, the books that I loved as a child, that my son loved when he was younger. I want to sing to her, the songs I sang as a child and to my son. I want to dance with her, to practice for that day when she wears white and I'm no longer the most important man in her life, but I still get a special song devoted to me.

I know that I'm not alone with these wants and desires, I know that millions of other parents have felt exactly the same way... but I think I just might be alone in the fact that, while I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that difficulties and stress lie in my future, I await it with bated breath.

-A